Yesterday night a friend was talking to me.. She told me she was feeling down because she was having problems with her boyfriend. She told me things that made me think.
when i was trying to explain things to her and tried to cheer her up, I made myself feel sad instead.
I don't know why I...I don't know why I'm thinking bout a person I shouldnt be thinking bout ..but it is killing me... It's killing me because I'm always wondering what he's doing..where he is..and what he's thinking about... I haven't talked to him for a while...
I don't know why I'm thinking bout him..
Maybe its because I miss him...
I miss my ex..
And I miss him alot. I don't know why I do.
I don't want him to know I miss him. I don't want to tell him or anyone my feelings... because I know I am really pathetic. It's really tiring...
people hate on me ...because they think Im a bad person, that I play around with people and a lot of guys... But really, to me...it all doesnt really matter now...
I am done with what Haters think.
I've done alot of stupid things before. A lot of things I regret.
But people are even more stupid to believe other people's lies and to keep looking for my flaws.
I am 18 now.
18 and still learning, but I just wanted to tell my haters that you can keep hating .. you are the ones that are immature.
you can humiliate me.
I don't care if you are his cousin, or his mum. you can humiliate me. you can hate me. I hope whatever I did to you is really worth hating on me.
But I am DONE hating. I am done.
I am done .
I am done crying.
I am done.
Ive had enough.
Im hurt enough.
Im tired.
Im tired.
Im fucking tired.
Ive learnt to forgive ,however, I can never forget.... People hate me for the shit i did when I was 15. tell me, is it worth it? if I can forgive, why cant others?
I can't stand shit anymore.
people hate me because of my past. and I cant stand it.
Im truly tired. All I am doing now is blabbering and complaining..
but I really cant stand it .
I have so many things I want to say to my haters and friends.. Maybe this is my only chance to say shit ..... maybe they wont ever read this...But...here goes talking to myself.
Ill start from where I went wrong. If I die, this is what I want to be read out to people at my funeral. my final words n thoughts.

Dear Phi Le,
People still judge me. its because of what happened between us.
I will never say sorry to you. because we both clearly know what has happened between us. People only see your side of the story.. and they blame me... but its fine... deep down you will know what happened. You think I am happy that you got 'bashed' but I really wanted to run to you and hug you ... I just couldnt. A part of me regrets what has happened.. I know we can never be friends again, but I am happier this way..and I know you are too. I sometimes randomly think about you..and its been 4 years or so since that incident. Its been the hardest part of my life ....but youve made me learnt alot. Everywhere I go I get haters, and its because of you.. From strangers...to the people who I was once closest to has turned their backs on me...
Yet they dont knw the truth. Minhs cousins and friends hate me because in their eyes, I bash anyone who dump me. No, that is not it. Not it at all ...Even Minh thought i was going to dump him.... I dated him for three years...how could I do that..? Dating you was one of my biggest regrets.. rest assurred Phi Le, I will never come across a relationship like yours and mine ever again.

Dear Quoc,
I know I've hurt you alot. I won't lie. I know you blame me for being selfish. But you do run through my mind alot.
Theres alot we have been through..
The worst and the good.
when I think bout it, I dont know where it all fell apart.
But if youu ask me for an answer, I really cant tell you also... I know we both hurt each other...Scores One to One Now...
As hard as it is to be friends, I want to forget our past.
You dont need to remind me what a bad person i am everytime...I know deep down inside that I am a bad person.
But thanks for doing that anyway...
You can do so much better than looking out for me as well.
You do know that Im grateful for all that you've done..
Theres so many things that run through my head about you also. But you have to know , its hard to express myself. I am glad to see you are doing well..
People dont realise how hard it is to face you....
and then face the dilemma of 'seeing' your friend...
I want to say , I never intentionally wanted to hurt you...
I never saw myself with David.
but its the hardest point ever now.
All I can say is Im sorry.
If I can turn back time, I would.
I don't know what i can do now..
but you were right bout things.
I dont know what im writing to you..
I just want to tell you I;m sorry...for the last time....even if its pointless.


Dear Han, Mary and Phea,
I know there's beef because Im Minhs ex...
Its an indirect hatred...If you guys wont admit it then i will.
I know you guys dont like me.
because in your eyes, I don't seem to be the perfect girl with the perfect personality.
I barely know you girls at all.
and you girls barely know me at all.
But you guys make it hard...Although you say you guys dont mean to hurt me. I know you want Minh to be with Phea....If you dont want to hurt me, then please stop shoving it in my face. Mary, you tell me I dont know what "love" is... but youve never experienced it.. you tell me uve seen other people fall in love and u tell me Minh doesnt love me. Fair enough, but sorry. youve never experienced it yourself so I find it hypocrytical. I dont want you to put words intoMinh .. Its funny how you defend yourselfs.......but really you tell Minh to move on and give up..all only cos your friend Phea and him has something going on...and in your eyes Phea is better because shes your closest friend...and im nothing.
I may be immature in your eyes, but can you for once...not be bias... and put yourselves in my shoes? No , you havent..
because its always just one side of the story..
Dont worry, I dont hate you guys.
I just hate myself for believing that Minh would listen to me rather than listening to some random chick that hes known for three months and suddenly call his sister. I hate myself alot. Because it proves he doesnt love me. Mary was right. Phea is better than me.



Dear Phu,
I thought you were my brother. I was there for you when u were hurt by relationship problems. and when you had other difficulties. But now you are not at all. You lied.
you told me ive always got you even if i didnt have Minh.
do u know how much I miss things? we used to talk on the phone..
Now u just see me as nobody..
you told me "your answer will never change"
I hate you.
Because you broke my trust.
you were never ever there for me.

Dear Ho,
I found out you deleted me off facebook. I hate you also. I dont know why you act like everything is okay...if you hate me then why dont you say so?
Im sorry if Ive hurted you a billion times. but youve hurted me twice as much..
and I was stupid to think you were like my best friend ages ago.
Its all just betrayal.



Dear Johnnie,
Thank you for being there for me. No matter how stupid I sound when I sayy I wanna kill myself, you tell me itll be okay and dont turn your back on me.. I know youre loud and people hate you. But youre honestly the best fake boyfriend ever..
youre like a gay best friend Ive never had...
you were there to chase me when I was on the verge to give up and overdose and die.. you are one of my buddies that I know will NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave me...right? please dont leave me .

Dear David To,
I am so sorry if Ive hurt you or If I do hurt you...But you have to know that my feelings for you are deep...I dont know what Im supposed to do when youre not here....I feel lost without you...
I know you deserve better...and Im so sorry you have to put up with me.
I am so sorry all of this is happening to you..
I am s sorry.
I am so sorry I cant be better...
I dont even know if I can bring you happiness.
But Im trying my best...
Ive only known you for a few months..
but you are the sweetest guy ever...
you know what I want and how I feel...
I dont know why I cant do the same for you..
Im such an idiot..
but I just want you to know that nobody has made me smile as much as you have,.. EVER EVER EVER, youve made me smile so much...
I think..
I think I love you..............


Dear Thuy,
I never actually admitted to anyone that Ive had a best friend before...but I think you are my first best friend...even with other chicks, i never saw them as my best friend. I dont know why, you are different. you know me WELL ..you know what to do ..you always got my back..youre like my brother from another mother..
I want you to be my best friend for lifee.. I never thought id have a best friend...and I never thought id admit it..
but you are the BEST friend..
you know I will always have your back..
I dont know if youre reading this or not..
But I will NEVER EVER EVER hurt you..
I will never ever take my anger out on you..
but if u need to, you can take your anger out on me.
because I love you bro.
Im always here for you.
I remember when I got drunk and vommitted all over the place at your house..I remember you took care of me....when I was heartbroken, you wanted to mend my heart and stood by me when I wandered the streets at night wanting to go to my exs house wearing the same jumper as you...
that is why I wanna do the same for you
you made me think twice when I thought Id die.
Thank you for everything.. FUCK im crying..
Thuy,, youre one of the most important people in my life.
Thank you.

Dear Ariel and Natalie,
I am so sorry for being a horrible sister. Alll I can do is isolate myself, because I am so pathetic.
I love you guys no matter how hard I scream or yyell at you.
I want to do so much ..
But I cant
because
im not as strong as you think I am...
I cant be there for everyone..
but I wont ever leave you behind...
you guys deseerve so much better than a crappy sister....

Dear me,
I hate you. all you do is think negative...why cant you be a bit more prettier? a bit more smarter? a bit more happier?
why do so many people have to hate you?
why are you so negative?
why cant you be better?
why are you so stupid?